Small Guy.....

This morning as I was taking my brother to school, I witnessed a group of kids picking on a smaller child, my heart, broke. I immediately jumped in and stopped the argument, I chasitized the children for doing this to someone, and I asked the young boy if he was okay. His face, okay, it broke my heart. I can not stand, at all, for anyone to be injuried or hurt, when I think of teaching, I think of his helpless face. Children, they can be so cruel, so friggin cruel, education shouldn’t be that way, it should be helpful, not harmful. How can I help those that need me….

going back to basics for a while...

statisticallyscrewed.blogspot.com

Fat Byatch...

For some reason I've allowed myself to indulge in yesterday and now, I get on a scale and I'm pretty damn disappointed. I weight...gasp....grrr....172 now, holy crap, I can't believe it, of course looking amazing in my extra large shirts doesn't help, but looking at those three numbers did. Crap, I thought I needed to lose 30 pounds, it's more like 40 now...crap... no more beer for me I see.

Anyhow in other news, I am getting the chance to work under a doctor and I'm so damn excited, more news about that to follow-until then. ttyl!

FMLA Over

I go back to work tomorrow (unless I get laid off between now and then...yeah it's possible, but we won't get into that on this blog post), I'm excited to get back to my career, even though I am secretly hoping the job I phone interviewed for calls me back, and I'm so ready for work-life balance to kick in. I'm lucky my mother watches my baby, I couldn't panthom putting her in daycare, I wanted my little girl to have one constant caregiver, i.e., my reasoning for having children early, so I'm blessed my mom is retired! It's amazing how much she's grown and how cute her little personality is, It's pretty cool to see those weeks of endless sleep and cries, are over, well at least for now and we're filled with coos and smiles.

On that note, time to get ready for work!

This Stork Is Closed...

I love being a mother, honestly I do. But I am frightened to have more children. I can not believe this, but it was confirmed. I leaked fluid throughout my pregnancy, I thought it was discharge, but it was my amnotic fluid, now here's the kicker, I produced too much fluid!! So the two evils, they balanced each other out. I had BV, Bacterial Vaginosis, which I've had most of my life, -insert dirty whore comment here- (I'm kidding) add that to years of infertility, extreme morning sickness and the intense fear I had for nine months, I am opting out of getting pregnant again. My husband would like another, however, his part only includes donated the sperm, as he says he wants a son, but when we have his nephew over, he buys him a game and sits him in front of the television... while I end up having to spend as much quality time with them as possible, without babybell missin me and getting jealous..lol....Maybe I will be more open to the more children idea in the future, who knows, I may get the babyblues hard! But I type this as a written account, so that If I do get those feelings I have this to refer to.

Writin The Rules...

I have a week more of maternity leave, that's all.

In order to maximize the time I have with my daughter the following will take place.

1. My husband will be in charge of cleaning every Sunday Morning, I will only do a through cleaning once a month.

2. Cooking, will be done on Sunday and that meal will venture for two days, on Tuesday, that is my husband's day to cook, on Friday we will make a light meal and Saturday is order out.

3. When I get home from work, I will pump, shower and then baby. Baby will be "provided the opportunity to go to bed at 8:30 p.m.

4. Clothing will be ironed on Sunday for the week, Diaper bag will be packed for the week.

5. Must get up at 5:45 a.m. and workout, situps, Monday-Friday, and hip hop abs Mon, Weds & Friday (those days I will wake up at 5:30 a.m.) Baby is woken up for bottle at 6:15 and dressed we must be out the door at 6:45 a.m. to arrive at Mom's at 7:30 a.m. and at work by 8:00 a.m.

6. Leave work at 4:45 p.m. get at Mom's before 5:30 p.m. and home by 6:30 p.m., when DH is out of town, try to stay longer at work and spend the night at mom's, maximizes time with baby and deletes commute.

Mommy's Big Girl..

I don't like to see my baby get bigger, I know that this is life and she must grow up. But I like my skunkbaby to stay a little baby. Oh, I can remember changing her pamper for the first time, oh I never thought poop could smell so good. Every night I sign "Miracle Baby" to her, it's a song I made up, to express just how much of a miracle she is. Aww, and now as she swings in her swing, I look at her and say, "Baby don't ever change".....

I Want To Save The World....

I do...

I am an overachiever, I want to save the world. I will say one thing about me, I am selfless to those that I see true compassion and loyality, I do have a defect, I can not stand those that are hateful and lazy, ughs, especially towards one's mother. I have, an abnormal connection to my mother, she is my knight in shinning armor, she is the reason I haven't moved out of state yet, uh, I can't stand to not be by my mommy...lol....While sitting in the doctor's waiting room at my checkup exam, I read my horoscope, it said something on the lines of this, "While you may identify with your current career, there is a career that needs you", then my mind starts to run, infertility? education? ughs!! Not this again I thought, my crazy indecisive mind!! I want to save the world, I want to be a big deal...lol...I want to save people and be remembered for that, which is what lead me to my current career, I love helping people! I do everything to help people, however, I am in control of my destiny and I have to pick the best path for me.....

P.S. we recieved a new govenor in last night's election, I called my mom and said, "I'm excited, but I don't know if it's because we're getting rid of our old govenor or because we are getting a new one", I sure hope he stablizes the Welfare and WIC Program, as I am disguisted about how easy the system can be manipulated and how those that actually need it are rejected for crazy reason, awww look at the politican in me!

Hey Happy November!

I'm off the clock for a minute.

The baby boss kicked my butt the last two weeks, so excuse me for not posting, my free time was spent with sleeping and surfing the web brainlessly and aimlessly. If, I could get DH to stay up one night, perhaps I wouldn't be sleeping past 11am with babybell, however, my husband is allergic to the baby 22 hours of the day...lol... he expects me to do all the baby needs, which is fine, I know he's nervous around her, I told him to enjoy her! Cause noone else will be living in my uterus, on that note, can you believe I got my period, 6 weeks 3 days postpartum, and I'm breastmilk pumping and breastfeeding, I guess since I give her a formula bottle it's not considered exclusive, but like wtf...I haven't been happy to see my period since it came, minus a few "accidents" in my youngin years. I posted my resume a few places and got a call back from a job that used to be my dream job and then as soon as I got there, I realized that it wasn't for me anymore, eh, its funny how you can envision something and once you really see it, you totally change your mind. What I did realize is that I like being the HBIC at a company and working under corporate direction, so at least that generalized my area of specialization. I'm convinced my hubby to check out the state next spring that I hope we can move to in four years, the birth of our daughter has given me so much to think about, and I really do cherish each day and I want to do EVERYTHING i aspired. Except the nurse thing, I realized this weekend my incredible distain for germs (to be written in another blog) and an elementary teacher, as I may spank all the bad kids..lol...So I realized I'm pretty much in the right career path. We found a family church and I'm ecsatic!! Finally!! We'll that's it for now, but trust me, more intresting stuff to come.

Powerful Words

Being on maternity leave has allowed me to see some of my favorite shows, Maury, Judge Mathis, Deal or No Deal and Judge Judy. Oh how I love me some Judge Judy, yes she can sometimes be a prick, she does say some pretty truthful words. Yesterday's message was, "This is your life, you only get one shot at it, don't screw it up", I sat there, shook my head in agreement and said, that's right. People, so often, alter their plans, change ideas and don't take risks, because they're afraid, they're timid, they want that "safe" choice. Well, I have been one of those people, I worry, I over-analyze and I don't realize that this is life, it isn't meant to be a safe ride, and that it can be altered and over at any moment, I of anyone should know that much. So since then, I've been really prioritizing what I want in every aspect of life and doing just that, making plans and sticking to them. I always wanted to go to law school, so after I finish my masters degree, I'm going to cross that bridge. I've started looking into certification classes for my profession for the additional knowledge, and I still am very much interested in becoming a professor. I give myself 10 years to work hard and get it done, chop chop!! In regards to my personal life, I intend to be the best mom, daughter, sister and wife I can be, and dedicated my free time to my little people.... well gtg now, it's a hungry husband waitin for dinner...

You Didn't Find Me, I Was Never Lost....

My biological father was to say the least, heartbreaking. I have about 5 memories, brief memories of him, three of them is where I sit at home and wait for him to pick me up, and needless to say, he never did. I never understood, how a father couldn't love their child. I was a good child, I was a happy person, why didn't he want a relationship with me. I've buried those wounds, I've overcome the pain, and I haven't let those memories come to surface... until now..

One of his children contacted me, after I was born, he had five other children, and while they found his other older son, they've been looking for me for a while. I thought it would be nice to chat, as I am a private person, since they've been looking for me for so long, I wanted to say hi. They immediately flooded me with I love you and calling me big sister and saying how much they wanted to meet me, honestly, that pushed me away. I feel like, we all do not know each other that well, and that a brother/sister relationship is built over time, blood does not define that type of relationship. They beg to see my daughter, and trust me as overprotective as we are, some of our close knit families haven't held our daughter, I can't let a stranger even breathe on her, she's or gift from god. I tried to explain this to them nicely, as in my heart I only have one sibling, my brother, whom I grew up with my entire life and that we all have to establish a friendship at the least. However, they will hear nothing of it, and REPEATDELY call my phone, to the point I've turned it off. They bumbard my face.book page and I deleted alot of there posts, as I don't mind if they message me, but I do not like personal information posted on my wall. It's not just that, (ughhhhs they called me again, I hope they enjoy my voicemail) but their lives are not like mine, I'm sorry, but I am a mother, I am a wife, that comes first, I can not let you in my home if you have a felony conviction and are continuing through the same path, I do not live that lifestyle.

I've spoken to my mother and my husband, and while I will be cordial and email sometimes, I am not ready or interested in a relationship that goes further than that, no point on pretending and maybe my feelings will change in the future, but I'm sorry....

I now look at the show "The Locator" in disgust, not everyone wants to be found, especially when they where never lost.

Ouchy!!

Last night I had a horrible tummy ache. While taking care of the baby's late night hunger, my stomach pain immediately appeared, it started off as a 5 on the 10 pain scale and immediately went to a 8, (now mind you, I went through childbirth, so there is no pain that is worthy of a 10 in my mind excepted contractions and pushing). For a whole hour I was absolutely useless, thank god hubby helped with the little one, I couldn't have done it without him. Perhaps, that stomach ache was to allow me to realize that DH is capable of being a good co-parenter, awww shush, I may have to be "extra nice" to him lately ;) -wink-

My little girl is getting so big guys!! I'm not ready to take her out of newborn clothes, oh yes how I love Carter's clothing, they fit my baby so WELL! last friday I had her wear her cow outfit to the store and I wanted her to wear it yesterday to my moms, but guess what?? It was too small, my baby grow overnight! and today, she shed tears!! She has tears now!! My baby is growing up so fast. I'm just trying to enjoy every smile, every smell everything, because she won't be this little for long.... it's funny how I never thought I'd be able to be a good mom, due to my love of sleep, now I can careless about sleeping more then 5 hours, I just wanna stare at my baby....

I <3 her =)

Nothing Much To Say!!

Awww....today marks my little one's third week of life, it feels like just yesterday I was pushing her out, I even have my sore bum to prove it! Time goes by so fast and I'm honestly just trying to enjoy every kiss, every diaper change and every boob feeding session, did I tell you how much I love my little one??? She can breast and bottle feed like a champ, you can even go back and forth with her it's like she has no nipple confusion at all, she just wants to eat. I am down to pre-pregnancy weight, but since I have no more acid reflux, I have a huge desire to eat, which I heard is normal if you're breastfeeding, but I hope I'm not totally overdoing it!!

Nothing much has been going on in my life, So I haven't really posted.... But I'm here, I'm alive I'm well!!!

Our Daily Sarcasm

Now you must realize, my husband and I have a weird sarcastic sort of humor...

What Grinds My Gears:

When my husband, acts as if he knows everything about babies....

DH: Why did you put her diaper on like that
Me: (pissed off, because I'm up with the baby all night all day and all he does is one friggin feeding) so that it doesn't leak
DH: When's her next feeding
Me: When I say so....
DH: How was she today
Me: I dunno, perhaps if you were upstairs with us instead of watching tv you'd know
DH: Gee Babe, you're mean, Do you need to be burped


Neighbor: She's beautiful, when will you have to next one
DH: In a couple of years
Me:( turns around, replays movie of infertility in her mind, replays movie of depression, replays conversation she had with DH that they both agreed they will only have ONE child)
Me: Yes once men are able to give birth

DH: Childraising is easy
Me: Oh yeah, when have you raised a child (lol)

Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner ... Bassinet!

My daughter has such a cute personality, she's a little dictator and we've finally established what her "cues" are.

Uncontrollable Snorting: "Feed me now, cut the bolonga I can careless about tummy time right now"

Mouth moving with fingers waving: "I'm in between feedings, so if you wake me up now, I will expect some sort of treat in the form of breastmilk"

Smelling shirts and trying to latch on: "I believe that's the only reason you have breast anyway, to feed me"

Crying in intervals: "My pamper is dirty, I want you to change me, but I also don't like my pamper changed, so I am contemplating if I want this changed or not"

Yelling Cry: "Burp me, Burp me NOW"

Crying with eyes open at 2:00 a.m.: "This bassinet is lonely, can I sleep with you?"

Horoscope

Quickie
If you're indecisive, focus on what's best for you. Take others out of the equation.

Overview
Your heart is going through quite a loot these days -- it may be that you've got to make some big changes! They should be all positive, though, so don't worry too much about where you're headed.

Sometimes I read my horoscopes and I am totally amazed at how spot on they are and then there are the days where I'm like "wtf"? Today is totally the former. Sometimes I want to express every little feeling on my blog, but then I realize that my blog gets read by people and what if one of you call dyfs on me (kidding). So instead I use blogging as a sense of emotional release, sort of like my own personal therapy. I'm sure the majority of you all do too. Sometimes I even pick a random day and read that journal entry, just to get some sort of clarity about what my feelings where on a certain date. Sometimes it helps, Sometimes it doesn't. But anyway, I just wanted to share my horoscope with you all I will stop with the annoying blabbing for now that is.

Week One - Sleep? Yeah Right!

Bringing home our daughter was the happiest day of our lives. I am totally impressed with how helpful my husband has been with house work and grocery shopping, he's a good guy, even if he hogs the entire bed.

Our daughter is officially a week old today. As a new mother, I didn't realize the true depth of a newborn's sleep schedule. I do now. I believe my daughter is a vampire (haha). At first, our nights would be interupted every two hours, if we're lucky every three hours. I must say that the adjustment process of not getting sleep was a little rough the first day, however the saying "sleep when they sleep" has proved so true in our case. A mix of that and a mix of the fact that I can not get enough of her gorgeous little face, I mean I stare at her 50% of the day, I can't stand when my husband wants to play with her, ughs I am so selfish! I am elated that he goes back to work Monday and I don't for another two months (yay! nonstop ten hours of alone time). I'm breastfeeding, pumping and supplementing with formula. Basically I try to give her 75% of breastmilk and 25% of formula. I know that this ratio will change once she gets 6 weeks old, but I feel that the immune support of breastmilk is essential for her. She's a fussy latcher, she knows how to latch but if given the opportunity she will take a bottle, my husband can't stand her crying and breastfeed latching isn't a piece of cake, so it's terribly annoying to have him in the house when I'm breastfeeding, he's a softy (my husband does whatever his girls say haha so far) and he goes and makes a bottle for her, totally bypassing the point, but when given the opportunity she does in fact latch, but the other problem with her latching is that she is a BIG EATER and will eat and eat, so last night, after what felt like forever of breastfeeding she puked what appeared to be half a bottle and demanded more milk. She's gorgeous so of course I gave her half a oz....lol

Hey, There's A Baby In This Room

BabyBell was born yesterday morning!!

After 16 hours of labor and 1.5 hours of pushing, let me just tell you how much I love epidurals....

Why you may ask?

Oh because my daughter who was not overdue, weighted nine pounds and one ounce......lol

Birth story to follow!